Navigating High Conflict Divorce: Recognizing and Dealing with Difficult Personalities
If you’re going through a divorce and experiencing continual conflict, you might be dealing with a high conflict personality (HCP) without realizing it. High conflict personalities are characterized by intense thought, mismanaged emotions, blaming, and even aggressive action. In fact, it is estimated that approximately 10% of people have high conflict inclinations, which makes divorce especially difficult.
Recognizing High Conflict Personality Traits
Look for these signs in your ex if you want to know if they have a high conflict personality:
- Black-and-White Thinking: Sees circumstances and people as either good or terrible, with no in-between.
- Unmanaged Emotions: Exhibits strong emotions, such as rage or despair, over little concerns or arguments.
- Blames Others: Rarely accepts responsibility and frequently blames others for their difficulties or unfavorable outcomes.
- Extreme Behavior or Reactions: Uses aggressive, unpredictable, or overly theatrical behavior to gain attention or control in circumstances.
- Highly Defensive: Reacts defensively to all criticism, viewing it as a personal attack.
- Revenge-seeking: In confrontations, people may seek vengeance or “payback,” even at their own price.
- Difficulty Compromising: Struggles to perceive other people’s points of view, making negotiating and compromise difficult.
- Victim Mentality: Frequently portrays oneself as a victim, regardless of the circumstances, in order to gain sympathy or avoid blame.
- Relationship Instability: Frequently has volatile or conflicting relationships with friends, family, or partners.
- Manipulative: May use guilt, charm, or threats to exert influence over others or get their way.
How to Handle a High Conflict Personality
Managing a high-conflict personality can be stressful. According to Bill Eddy, a conflict resolution expert, adopting EAR Statements (Empathy, Attention, Respect) can assist lessen conflict. For example, if your ex requested time with the kids, which coincided with their doctor’s visit, you could say, “I understand how much you want to spend time with our children, and I appreciate that. Let us keep this doctor’s appointment, and you may spend time with them later.” This strategy can help to reduce stress and preserve boundaries.
Moving Forward with Support
If you notice high conflict tendencies in your ex, do not confront them. Instead, concentrate on regulating your reactions. High conflict divorce coaches specialize in assisting clients through difficult situations by providing tactics, support, and guidance.
Dealing with a high conflict personality during divorce can be difficult, but it is possible to overcome it. Remember, you can take the high road. If you are ready to find serenity and strength, consider seeking help. A divorce coach can help you reclaim control, make sound decisions, and move forward with dignity.
Take the Next Step
If you’re interested in support, reach out to a divorce coach who understands high conflict dynamics.
Take advantage of a FREE 15 minute discovery session with The Bridging Coach to ask questions and get help.
